[ this is so much. because ... no one has ever done anything like this for her before. being here, in this place, without a way to escape into autumn with the cycle of the seasons, has forced hazel to face forming connections with others without running away for the first time ever. fear gripped her throughout the process, and the epiphany that she had spent so much time missing out on receiving genuine love off people had crushed her immensely.
and here's stelle - a woman she met who cares about her enough to do something like this, who performed an act of kindness so profound that there's not a single part of hazel that knows how to deal with it. ]
S-Stelle--[ her voice cracks and she hiccups out a sob, before she starts to cry. ]
[ oh. oh, no. oh, she's crying. oh god. a visible trace of worry enters those eyes, and stelle tries to lift a hand to hazel's shoulder-
-which works a lot less well when you are literally a fucking horse. she teeters dangerously for a moment, finally putting her hoof squarely back down on the bed. ]
Should I have asked first? I thought it'd be a nice surprise...
[ she transforms too! and she's so much smaller. hazel leans forward to nuzzle stelle's pony snoot in a gentle boop. ]
T-Thank you...! My heart ... was so empty before I came here! I-It was so empty for years, but now it feels, [ she hiccups as more tears fall down her furred cheeks, ] s-so much less empty than it did ... I was always so scared, I ... but people ... really do care about me! [ sniff! ] And it feels so good to be cared about! All this time ... I never allowed it ... [ tiny sobbing, sobbing, sobbing ]
[ she's so... small, like this. was she this small before? that can't have been right - but her own sense of size is so off, so different, that she can't quite put together what anything should be sized like anymore.
and besides, none of it matters right now. not when hazel is crying and thanking her. not when she's cuddling up to her like this, touching nose to nose as she nestles up to and against her. (is this a kiss, now? is this what a canterwit kiss feels like? it's... nice. sweet.) ]
Of course people care about you. Dan Heng cares, too. And March... [ a beat. ] As long as you don't try to tell her she's not as cute as you, I think she'd adore you.
[ she leans down, trying to gently rest her larger head on hazel's. ]
Heehee![ she giggles at the march comment ] Don't worry ... I'm not at all conceited. If people think I'm cute, that's on them ... but it's an undeniable truth that March is very cute.
[ nuzzles a bit harder, still shedding tears. ]
You, Dan Heng, March ... I'm so glad I met you three ...
Me too. All three of you mean... A lot to me. More than I really have words for.
[ she can't do much like this about hazel's tears. but she feels bad, just letting them collect like that. and so, delicately, she leans forward, using her upper lip to wipe below hazel's eyes as best as she can.
it's a good few moments of this - gentle silence, interspersed by stelle's louder breathing above hazel - before she finally speaks up. ]
...I still need your help getting untangled from the sheets.
[ she's done the impossible - she's allowed to let some others into her heart. she's still quite closed off, but it's a huge leap. hazel fears she may have some abandonment issues, because the thought of this ending one day, the thought of them all going home ... greatly worries her.
but she needs to put those thoughts aside for now so that she can help stelle. ]
H-Here ... [ sniff ] I'm going to try show you how to change shape between forms. Okay? Close your eyes ... visualise a switch in your head. Like an on and off button. Imagine you're clicking that switch.
[ right now, she's not even thinking about that idea - "what happens when they leave" might as well not exist. it's some far off thought. they'll always have a way to reach out to hazel. hazel will always have a way to find them.
but part of that may be because, yes, the sheets are still wrapped all around stelle's legs. ]
Alright. [ she closes her eyes, concentrates intensely. ] ...the light turned off. Should I turn it back on?
[ she is trying. she is trying so hard, hazel. and clearly, whatever she's doing isn't entirely stupid-
because about five seconds of intense concentration later, there's a sudden poof of light and magic, and there sits... stelle. stelle, as humanoid as ever, and yet still undeniably a canterwit. ]
[ now that she has the limbs she's used to again - well, most of them, the hooves are definitely new - it's easy enough to wrap her arms back around hazel. but she takes a good second or two to respond, and when she does speak she doesn't sound entirely certain. ]
...you shouldn't say that. You're worth doing things for. [ hesitantly- ] And... it wasn't just for you. Part of it was for me, too.
[ this is what she was worried about!! she sighs, leaning forward and planting her face into hazel's neck. ]
I... [ "i'm not a good person." avenger's words, march's words, dan heng's words - they all stick with her, tearing that sentence away from her lips. and finally, she says: ] Being a good person isn't really something that comes naturally for me. Being a person at all isn't, I don't think.
[ she hesitates - pushes herself off of hazel, back a foot or two. ]
[ it's easy to take off the shirt like this. a bit harder with the wings, but she can figure it out quickly enough. and as she tugs it off, a plain sports bra comes into view-
along with the scars of battle. little fractal lightning scars from combat, burns where sirin's flame and the doomsday beast's light bore down on her, the nicks and tears of a life spent fighting. and under her left breast, a mass of scar tissue where a lance - the lance at her bedside - once pierced through her.
all of it has healed through with what looks like molten, shining gold. a kintsugi doll, built for holding the thing inside her. ]
There's something sealed inside me. Or... maybe it's better to say that I'm that thing. If I existed before they put it into me, we don't have any proof.
[ the gold is just ... dazzling. she's seen a lot in her years, but she's never seen anything like this. hazel's eyes sparkle when she leans in to take in the sight of her, running some of her fingertips along stelle's skin. ]
... You're breathtakingly beautiful.
[ but stelle's tone and description implies something much darker. hazel gazes up at her. ]
And now, you ... want to choose your own destiny? Is that right?
[ look at these smooth talkers!! when stelle continues, that serious tone is still there - though that hint of a smile doesn't go away, either. ]
Yeah. Something like that. [ it's close enough, anyway. ] It's... something from the stars. Something bad. The Stellaron - a "seed of destruction". That's what I am, on the inside.
[ a shaky, nervous breath. ]
I've hurt people, even since I came here. I destroyed Sirin without even meaning to. I hurt Dan Heng, and I wanted to. All I could think was how beautiful he looked like that. And I can't make myself not all of those terrible things. But... as scary as all that is, this- [ -she reaches up, runs a finger over one of the flowers in her hair- ] -reminds me I can do good things, too. That I don't have to just destroy.
[ she can't help but look on slightly surprised when hearing that about stelle's destructive tendencies. she never expected it - stelle seems so tranquil and content ... but then again, we can't always know what's going on inside. ]
I-It's good to have a positive outlet, yes ... the whole purpose of a Canterwit is that we spread happiness in the form of flowers, taking in others happiness as magic. In a way, it's the opposite of destruction. And you're sure you're okay with that....?
[ she doesn't move to close the remaining distance between them. but she does reach forward, laying her fingers on hazel's cheek. ]
Maybe I was only made to control something awful. Maybe that thing is all I am to begin with. But... That doesn't mean I can't help, or heal, or spread happiness. I can make the flowers grow, even with what I am.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ this is so much. because ... no one has ever done anything like this for her before. being here, in this place, without a way to escape into autumn with the cycle of the seasons, has forced hazel to face forming connections with others without running away for the first time ever. fear gripped her throughout the process, and the epiphany that she had spent so much time missing out on receiving genuine love off people had crushed her immensely.
and here's stelle - a woman she met who cares about her enough to do something like this, who performed an act of kindness so profound that there's not a single part of hazel that knows how to deal with it. ]
S-Stelle-- [ her voice cracks and she hiccups out a sob, before she starts to cry. ]
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[ oh. oh, no. oh, she's crying. oh god. a visible trace of worry enters those eyes, and stelle tries to lift a hand to hazel's shoulder-
-which works a lot less well when you are literally a fucking horse. she teeters dangerously for a moment, finally putting her hoof squarely back down on the bed. ]
Should I have asked first? I thought it'd be a nice surprise...
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I-- [ she sniffs, choking out a sob ] I-I'm not crying 'cause I'm sad ... I'm just ...
[ she buries her face into her mane. ]
I can't even put into words ...
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and just. sort of stops. after a moment, with an awkwardly candid tone- ]
I don't really know how to hug you like this.
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[ she transforms too! and she's so much smaller. hazel leans forward to nuzzle stelle's pony snoot in a gentle boop. ]
T-Thank you...! My heart ... was so empty before I came here! I-It was so empty for years, but now it feels, [ she hiccups as more tears fall down her furred cheeks, ] s-so much less empty than it did ... I was always so scared, I ... but people ... really do care about me! [ sniff! ] And it feels so good to be cared about! All this time ... I never allowed it ... [ tiny sobbing, sobbing, sobbing ]
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and besides, none of it matters right now. not when hazel is crying and thanking her. not when she's cuddling up to her like this, touching nose to nose as she nestles up to and against her. (is this a kiss, now? is this what a canterwit kiss feels like? it's... nice. sweet.) ]
Of course people care about you. Dan Heng cares, too. And March... [ a beat. ] As long as you don't try to tell her she's not as cute as you, I think she'd adore you.
[ she leans down, trying to gently rest her larger head on hazel's. ]
It'll be okay.
[ simple. genuine. stelle, to a tee. ]
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[ nuzzles a bit harder, still shedding tears. ]
You, Dan Heng, March ... I'm so glad I met you three ...
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[ she can't do much like this about hazel's tears. but she feels bad, just letting them collect like that. and so, delicately, she leans forward, using her upper lip to wipe below hazel's eyes as best as she can.
it's a good few moments of this - gentle silence, interspersed by stelle's louder breathing above hazel - before she finally speaks up. ]
...I still need your help getting untangled from the sheets.
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[ she's done the impossible - she's allowed to let some others into her heart. she's still quite closed off, but it's a huge leap. hazel fears she may have some abandonment issues, because the thought of this ending one day, the thought of them all going home ... greatly worries her.
but she needs to put those thoughts aside for now so that she can help stelle. ]
H-Here ... [ sniff ] I'm going to try show you how to change shape between forms. Okay? Close your eyes ... visualise a switch in your head. Like an on and off button. Imagine you're clicking that switch.
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[ right now, she's not even thinking about that idea - "what happens when they leave" might as well not exist. it's some far off thought. they'll always have a way to reach out to hazel. hazel will always have a way to find them.
but part of that may be because, yes, the sheets are still wrapped all around stelle's legs. ]
Alright. [ she closes her eyes, concentrates intensely. ] ...the light turned off. Should I turn it back on?
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[ concentrate, stelle! ]
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[ she is trying. she is trying so hard, hazel. and clearly, whatever she's doing isn't entirely stupid-
because about five seconds of intense concentration later, there's a sudden poof of light and magic, and there sits... stelle. stelle, as humanoid as ever, and yet still undeniably a canterwit. ]
...did it work?
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[ then she just hugs her even tighter. ]
I ... I still can't believe you did this for me.
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...you shouldn't say that. You're worth doing things for. [ hesitantly- ] And... it wasn't just for you. Part of it was for me, too.
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[ asked fondly, with interest. ]
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I... [ "i'm not a good person." avenger's words, march's words, dan heng's words - they all stick with her, tearing that sentence away from her lips. and finally, she says: ] Being a good person isn't really something that comes naturally for me. Being a person at all isn't, I don't think.
[ she hesitates - pushes herself off of hazel, back a foot or two. ]
Is it alright if I take off my shirt?
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Of course.
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along with the scars of battle. little fractal lightning scars from combat, burns where sirin's flame and the doomsday beast's light bore down on her, the nicks and tears of a life spent fighting. and under her left breast, a mass of scar tissue where a lance - the lance at her bedside - once pierced through her.
all of it has healed through with what looks like molten, shining gold. a kintsugi doll, built for holding the thing inside her. ]
There's something sealed inside me. Or... maybe it's better to say that I'm that thing. If I existed before they put it into me, we don't have any proof.
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... You're breathtakingly beautiful.
[ but stelle's tone and description implies something much darker. hazel gazes up at her. ]
And now, you ... want to choose your own destiny? Is that right?
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[ look at these smooth talkers!! when stelle continues, that serious tone is still there - though that hint of a smile doesn't go away, either. ]
Yeah. Something like that. [ it's close enough, anyway. ] It's... something from the stars. Something bad. The Stellaron - a "seed of destruction". That's what I am, on the inside.
[ a shaky, nervous breath. ]
I've hurt people, even since I came here. I destroyed Sirin without even meaning to. I hurt Dan Heng, and I wanted to. All I could think was how beautiful he looked like that. And I can't make myself not all of those terrible things. But... as scary as all that is, this- [ -she reaches up, runs a finger over one of the flowers in her hair- ] -reminds me I can do good things, too. That I don't have to just destroy.
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I-It's good to have a positive outlet, yes ... the whole purpose of a Canterwit is that we spread happiness in the form of flowers, taking in others happiness as magic. In a way, it's the opposite of destruction. And you're sure you're okay with that....?
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[ she doesn't move to close the remaining distance between them. but she does reach forward, laying her fingers on hazel's cheek. ]
Maybe I was only made to control something awful. Maybe that thing is all I am to begin with. But... That doesn't mean I can't help, or heal, or spread happiness. I can make the flowers grow, even with what I am.